He stood up. "Tonight", he told himself, "I'm doing it". This was not an intention; this was a promise. Now that he had spoken it, he would not go back. This had gone on too long, caused too much pain. He would kill this sick obsession by forming a memory that he could be happy with, that he could put behind himself, that would leave him space to grow out of the boundaries of his chaos. And Val deserved much better than the gloom that had been hovering over them. They had only three more months together; he would not let them go away in sadness. Val had given him so much; it was about time he gave something back. On that night, he would give him safety and care; and after that, he would give him his untainted friendship. He wanted to be able to give him happiness, and leave him with a smile.